Monday, June 24, 2013

i am well

I'm entering a new decade this week, feeling all grown up.

Have you ever had a health scare---the kind that makes you weak and fearful?  I had the second of my life last week, giving me long days to think about the possibilities as we waited on pathology.

I was anxious but less so than I expected myself to be, and my faith aside, I wasn't clear why.  I know I have more experienced years to fall back on than I had the first time something came up, and I've love all around me which gives me comfort and support.  The odds too, weighed heavily in my favor . . . yet there was something more keeping me steady.

When I let my mind run loose, and it did at times, I calmly and strategically reined it in, planning the next step if one was necessary.  Doing that, gave me strength.  Still, I had a different feeling this time.

The night before my doctor called with good news, I found myself not just accepting but embracing the very real fact that there is nothing special about me, that I am not, healthy as I am, immune from anything that can strike any of us at any time.  I believe that subconsciously, because I am so well, I thought myself completely protected.  Acknowledging that I am not, was so humbling, and thus, so freeing, I was no longer afraid.

Others suffer every day.  Why should I be spared?

I know the question lies in the heart of many veterans, in Spoke's for sure, and not that this should be compared to that, I sense an understanding of the premise that I've never had before.  You want to be alive and well, but if fate says you're not, and you should find yourself among the others, it would be powerfully humanizing and that it is so, would be the source of your strength.    

It's been an exhausting week but also one which has made me even more excited to have this birthday, to share this birthday, and I remain hopeful, but unafraid, that it will be one of many, many more.