Stockings were opened, bubbly was poured by mid-day, love was ever-present in every breath I took, yet ... it felt like the oddest, off-kilter Christmas Day of the oddest Christmas season.
More so than the first Christmas following Spoke's death, or that of both parents' passing four years prior. More so than the several recent Christmases missing my sister who has cocooned on a mountaintop states away. Those were sad but I'm talking weird. This has been a Christmas season that feels undefinably off its axis.
Could be the weather giving us unseasonably warm days which with the exception of this year, have a reputation for turning into cold spells that hit in time for the festivities to feel festive. This day-after is touting eighty-three degrees.
Could the reason be our own lack of the extended family, which often is the driving force for the tremendous effort that produces extravagant holiday meals? I was, by choice, not present or at all invested in the kitchen this holiday, so there was no meaningful, shared Christmas table.
Does quantity - of people, food, or gifts - truly define Christmas or spread more joy? Not sure. Maybe.
These hours later, the fa-la-la-la-la put to bed, I've still no after-glow spirit. I'm not sad, nor am I close to figuring out the faint bit of bah humbug-ness that has hovered over me this season.
It's obvious we live in a severely unconnected world. Instead of finding commonality, we often blindly support divisiveness. Minor differences to major conflicts seem the norm. We embrace our stances and those of the like-minded, be they culture, sports or politics. More gets under our skin more easily.
As a child, I remember the adult conversations; loud disagreements, while standing around the Weber grill, eventually faded as burgers were flipped. Their generation was just as divided but they were happier. Those people, in those days of yore, had a lightness of being not recognized today.
That premise of lightness of being has been on my New Year's Resolution radar for decades. Every year I chase it.
Maybe I've let myself become lax in my normally deep personal grounding of knowing myself and my faith, trusting myself and staying connected to the divine spirits.
Perhaps I am what's off-kilter.
Could very well be.
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